to the girl who wore bowties

i have so much to say
nevertheless
here i am saying
n o t h i n g
at all

you are a ghost

a figment of my
slowly dying
yet
never failing memory

i want to say so much
but it will stay
with me
and with me alone.

like the night we first met:
I never told you this
but
I thought you were magic.

we talked for hours
never to fall asleep

you fell for the way
i got nervous
the way i so blatantly
and obviously
was trying so hard
to work up the courage
to kiss you

but could not.

when the sun
so quickly came up
you warned me
that what had happened
would not be
classified
as a
one
night
stand.

were you as scared to lose me
as i was to gain you?

days.
weeks.
months went by.

you knew
full well
that i despised the phrase
“make love”

it reminded me
of the past that
i broke my back
to not have to remember

but love
is what we were
creating
wasn’t it?

we made a
beautiful thing
from scratch
that neither of us thought we believed in
anymore

in your arms
slowly
passionately
LOVE
was born between us.

you went from
stranger
to lover
to my very best friend
to someone that i don’t even know anymore

it’s ironic
how growing from strangers
is the most beautiful of
adventures
but there’s nothing
worse
than growing
in reverse.

i miss the way you held me
the way you kissed my soul
with patience
and understanding.

i miss the way
you knew exactly how to
love me even at my
very darkest.

you took me completely
in your stride
just like all along
you were mine.

pessimist

you called me a
pessimist

when i opened up and
told you
that
i always fear
the worst

little did you know
that
i don’t suffer from a
lack of positivity
but that of a
three letter diagnosis

you called me a
pessimist

when i had to check
my bag
more than once

not knowing
what immense anxiety
poured over me
like the waves we kissed by
with every snap of my purse

you called me a
pessimist

when i locked
and
dead bolted my door
when we came home

you didn’t understand
that i do this
every night
37 times
repetitively.
uncontrollably.

but when

you called me a
pessimist

i never told you about my
obsessive
compulsive
disorder

you had no clue

i flirted
i giggled
gently slapped your arm
and
jokingly argued with you

you didn’t sense
the pain
the fear
the pounding in my chest

because chill people like you
have nothing to say.
you’re “all good.”

you could never
love or understand
“pessimist” like me.

in regards to my black heart

i
ruined
us.

took your heart
turned it to
d u s t

you’ll never
know the apologies I
have for you
inside my heart.

my heart
that might not be
as black as i said it was
from the start.

because black hearts
don’t give a shit
with a black heart
your soul wouldn’t be
something that I miss.

warmest creature of all

february seventeenth
is a night that will
live
in
infamy.

we met.
had sex.
and you saw the good in me.

strangers
then
lovers
in a matter of hours.
we went straight
to my bed.
no time.
no flowers.

rebounds are
funny things
with
a funny way of
bringingtogether
joy and sin
joy and sin
sin.
good sin.
and the burning desire to
forget and
begin again.

most
one
night
stands
don’t
last
months.

you
aren’t
supposed
to
fall
for
your fuck buddy.

but baby I fell
baby I flew
I fell so hard
and crashed
on top of
you.

love.
hate.
love.
hate.
love.
stay.
no.
back the fuck away.

i’m not one to
manipulate
yet
my heart is blackened
with the stains of yesterday.

so when you tell me
you want to be
mine,
i feel bombs of pain
creating
ruin inside.

and i got scared.
so.
fucking.
scared.

even though you’re not him or her.
you’re nothing scary at all.
but i pushed you away
like some
grotesque thing
when
in reality
you were the

warmest
creature
of
all.

but just like that
you turned
COLD.

you became everything
you promised you would never be.
you promised you wouldn’t
leave.

and yet,
you’re gone.

&&&&
i sit here
wondering
why you aren’t here
when you were falling hard.

lovers
now
strangers
that is the
danger

sleeping
with a friend
leaves you
bankrupt
in the end.

disinfected safety pin

I never felt like you loved me for who I was

Especially not who I am today…

I’d cry

in dressing rooms

and instead of

“You’re

B E A U T I F U L.”

All I heard was the possible

improvements that I could be making.

If I only

tried harder

moved faster.

ate less.

less.

less and less and less and less.

when i wound up

strangled

by an eating disorder

you scolded me.

THIS

IS

NOT

THE

WAY

TO

LOSE

WEIGHT.

I was a problem to you

you knew it

I knew it

so why did it come as such a surprise to you

when i was found laying in my bed

with a disinfected safety pin

making my hips bleed.

wanting to eliminate the problem.

you sent me away.

because doctors are the quick fix to everything right?

can they take away the shame you felt

from having a sick child?

a depressed child?

a cutting child?

I tried to please you

tried to be your friend

tried to cover up

pain

with

forgiveness.

but with

forgiveness

must come

love

and i  haven’t seen much of that lately.

for love is not merely a word.

it’s not an obligation

or something non negotiable sealed by blood—

because you have no other choice.

love is a

verb.

It’s supporting me and accepting me

even though I’m gay

even though I’m overweight

even though I don’t believe in your god anymore.

love does not manipulate

to doesn’t blame

it doesn’t hold grudges and

violently spit

them

back out.

or is that not what your bible teaches?

are you still focused on my abominated soul— the girl with so many

impurities.

The girl who didn’t exactly end up like you.

you’ll always be mine

and I’ll love you despite

but lately i’m having a hard time

with forgiveness

when these broken memories

keep me up at night.

C U L T

hold my hands

and play god.

strangle me with your freedom,

set me free with your lies.

instead of something beautiful

destruction

has been born.

you were a deity

and I the smallest part of the totem pool.

 

because of you

my faith has died

but yet in turn

I’m more alive than ever.

FREE.

of guilt.

shame.

condemnation.

brainwashing.

abuse.

fear.

FREE.

Free of you.

I am my higher power.

 

In the bathtub…

A kid shouldn’t think about

ending their short life.

They shouldn’t be afraid of

D E A T H  or

H E L L.

But there I sat.

Just a child

with my head below water.

Wondering:

What if I never came up for air?

what happens next?

I sat up in the tub.

I dried off.

Warmed up.

B r e a t h e d

a i r.

But I remained haunted,

because what kind of a kid thinks about

S U I C I D E

 

strings in denial.

I didn’t want you.

But she does.

And I’m not okay with that.

Even though I should be perfectly fine

Because

I.

Didn’t.

Want.

You.

I said it again and again and again and again.

“Let’s just keep what we have.”

But you wanted more.

I guess in one way

Or another

We all fall victim to

Craving what we can’t have.

ashes, ashes.

All she ever did was smoke. 

It became a part of me.

I tasted it.

In every kiss.

I hated her for it.

There’s something about ashes

that brings out the very last

undying terrible thing

about a person.

I hated when she smoked.

But then my world turned to embers

when she burned my heart to pieces.

the remnants blew away with the wind.

All she ever did was smoke. 

And lie.

And leave.

 

And when she left

my blackened heart just

forgot

to

give

a

fuck.

 

With every breath

I feel her.

I taste her.

I hate her.

All the more.

Little rolls of poison

mirror the way I feel inside.

All she ever did was smoke. 

And I don’t know why.

But… Now,

All I ever do is smoke.